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Boomer Bible

      'God is as real as I am', the old man said. I was relieved since I knew Santa wouldn't lie to me...
Author Unknown

Boomer Bible by R.F. Laird.

The Beginning


At the beginning the begging there was
nothing but a big ball of gases.
2 For a long time it just sat there
in the nothingness, getting hot-
ter and hotter.
3 Then it exploded.
4 The explosion created the
stars, which were burning bub-
bles of the first big ball of gases.
5 The stars threw out chunks of
debris that cooled and became
6 The planets spun round and
became round.

In a remote and insignificant
sector of the universe, one
planet fell into an orbit around
its star that by accident made its
surface conducive to the molecu-
lar formations known as amino
2 Neither so close to their
planet's star as to be inciner-
ated, nor so far from it as to be
frozen, the acids survived,
3 And proceeded to combine
into new molecules of a com-
plexity advanced enough to per-
mit change and growth,
4 And meiosis, and the devel-
opment of certain other transient
characteristics of a generic na-
ture classifiable as life.

Changing and growing and
reproducing in response to
the random stimuli of the plan-
et's chemistry, life thrived and
2 And spread from the hospit-
able environment of liquid oxy-
genated hydrogen where it began
to the more challenging environ-
ment of the planet's solid min-
eral masses.
3 The new environment stimu-
lated further molecular changes
that enabled living organisms to
increase dramatically in size and
4 The organisms grew bigger
and bigger,
5 And then much much bigger,
6 And even bigger than that, un-
til some of the many life-forms
on the planet's surface were so
enormous as to be dinosaurs.

The dinosaurs were gigantic
scaly beasts with infinitely
small brains and infinitely large
appetites, both for plants and for
each other.
2 Created by numerous acci-
dents of evolution, the dinosaurs
managed to become extinct, not
by accident, but by their own
3 The dinosaurs ate all of the
plants in their environment and
soon starved stupidly to death.
4 When the dinosaurs became
extinct, other smaller life-forms
became dominant on the planet's

These other smaller life
forms were mammals,
which had hairy bodies, warm
blood, and small brains that
were nevertheless larger than the
brains of the dinosaurs
2 Over a long period of time
after the dinosaurs became ex-
tinct, the hairy bodies of the
mammals grew bigger and big-
ger, until there were many large
animals on the planet's surface.
3 And some of these were very
big indeed and something like
elephants, and some of them
were something like cattle, and
some of them were something
like pigs,
4 And others of them were still
quite small and something like
rats and cats and dogs.
5 And a lot of them were a lot
like monkeys.

And the ones that were like
monkeys had brains that
were quite large.
2 And some of these grew quite
big and lost their tails, so that
they were no longer monkeys,
but apes.
3 And the apes thrived and
multiplied, surviving even unto
the present age.
4 And with the coming of the
apes, the period of time that
was the beginning of the earth

APES The end of the beginning


When he had come upon
the earth, the ape was
naked and afraid. For comfort he
picked up a stick, chewed the
end to a point, and stuck it in a
nearby living thing.
2 When the living thing died,
transfixed by the stick, the ape
ate of its flesh and soon con-
ceived a great hunger for
death of other living things.
3 Thereupon the ape made
many pointed sticks and stuck
them into great multitudes of
other living things, including,
on occasion, other apes.

For seven times seven gener-
ations of their race, the apes
stuck pointed sticks into seven
times s4even generations of other
living things.
2 And there were seven times
seven kinds of apes, and of this
number there were brown apes,
and black apes,
3 And green apes, and red apes,
and white apes, and yellow apes.
4 And there were small apes,
and tall apes, and wide apes, and
narrow apes, and thin apes, and
fat apes,
5 And swift apes, and slow..

The apes do unto one another APES

Apes, and strong apes, and weak
apes, and clever apes, and dull apes.
6 And of this number, all were killer

And when seven times seven
generations had passed, the
land fell barren and living things
of all kinds died in great num-
bers from thirst and hunger and
from pointed sticks.
2 And as the living things grew
scarce in number, the apes be-
came afraid.
3 For if all other kinds of living
things died, there would be noth-
ing left to kill,
4 Except the other apes, all of
whom were killer apes, well
armed with pointed sticks.
5 And so it happened that the
apes banded together, like to
like, to keep the other apes from
killing them.
6 Brown apes joined together
with brown apes, black apes
with black apes,
7 Green apes with green apes,
red apes with red apes, white
apes with white apes, yellow
apes with yellow apes,
8 And small apes with small
apes, tall apes with tall apes,
wide apes with wide apes, nar-
row apes with narrow apes,
9 And thin apes with thin apes,
fat apes with fat apes, swift apes
with swift apes, slow apes with
slow apes,
10 And strong apes with strong
apes, weak apes with weak apes,
cleaver apes with clever apes, and
dull apes with dull apes.

Thereupon bands of apes
turned upon other bands of
apes and transfixed one other
with many thousands of pointed
2 And brown apes killed black
apes, even unto extinction.
3 Red apes slew green apes,
leaving none alive,
4 And likewise white apes
slew yellow apes, and tall apes
slew small apes,
5 And wide apes slew narrow
apes, and thin apes slew fat
6 And slow apes slew swift
apes, and weak apes slew strong
7 And clever apes slew all the
dull apes, and then the strong
apes, and the swift apes, and
the tall apes, and the white apes,
and the red apes, and the brown
8 Until the clever apes were
all alone on the earth, with the
exception of the other living
things and many, many trees
that could be turned into pointed


The apes get above themselves


Shortly after the clever apes
had killed al the other kinds
of apes, they grew restless and
2 Because the killing of the
other apes had been enjoyable,
3 And now there were no other
kinds of apes to kill,
4 Or be killed by,
5 Which took much of the fun
out of life.

And so it happened that the
clever apes began to split
apart into smaller bands,
2 Which moved away from one
another, sometimes as far as the
next valley,
3 But always close enough so
that they could attack one an-
other with pointed sticks.
4 But it also happened that the
new bands of apes became con-
5 Because it was not so easy as
before to tell one kind of ape
from another kind of ape,
6 All apes now being of one kind,
the clever kind.

But being clever, some of the
apes conceived a great idea,
and gave each other names, so
that one could recognize another
by his name,
2 And thus know to refrain
from transfixing the wrong apes
with a pointed stick.
3 And so these apes named
themselves with seven times
seven hundreds of names,
4 And there were apes named
Adam and Eve,
5 And Abel and Cain, and Sara
and Hagar, and Isaac and Ish-
6 And David and Goliath, and
Samson and Delilah, and Moses
and Herod, and Abraham and
7 And Ruth, and Job, and Seth,
and Jacob, and Esau, and Joseph,
and Rachel, and Leah,
8 And Samuel, and Daniel, and
Hosea, and Amos, and Andy,
and Isaiah, and Exekiel, and
Emmanuel, and many more be-

When they had done
naming one another, the apes
were very pleased,
2 And proud of what they done,
3 Believing it to be pretty spe-
cial to have so many names,
4 And such an easy way of tell-
ing one ape from another ape,
5 Which had never happened
before in the living memory of
the apes.
6 And so it happened that the
apes with names decided that
they were no longer apes,
7 But better than aped,
8 And worthy of a name unto
9 which they selected by lot-
tery, asking every ape to draw
one sharpened stick from a huge
pile of sharpened sticks,
10 And the short stick fell to an
ape named Manny,
11 Who promptly renamed the
race of apes after himself,
12 So that the apes from that
point forward were no longer
apes, but Men,
13 And belonged to the race of
14 Which immediately in-
vented names for all of its bands,
now called tribes,
15 And the tribes then with-
drew to their homes to begin
sharpening sticks for the new age.

The Apes get unsatisfied


When the apes called Men
joined together into
tribes, the practice of killing be-
came more efficient, and the
consumption of slain animals
less wasteful.
2 Accordingly, the tribe had
more time and more opportunity
to invent things, of which the
apes had grown exceedingly
3 All apes worked on inventing
things, each according to his
4 Those who were the smartest
invented fire, which made it
possible to stay up later at night,
inventing more things.
5 Those who were the best
killers invented new ways of
killing and new weapons, in-
cluding knives and spears, and
arrows, and then bows, so that
arrows might kill at a greater
6 Those who were the most
timid invented agriculture,
which provided food more safely
than before.
7 Those who were the most
skilled with their hands invented
pots, and clothes, and many
kinds of tools.
8 Those who were the most
imaginative invented words, and
ideas, in order that words might
serve some purpose.
9 And all the apes were unsat-
isfied with this state of affairs.

Chapter 2
The smart ones were unsatis-
fied because the killers still
got the best food, even thought it
was fire that made food taste
2 The killers were unsatisfied
because the invention of agricul-
ture required them to kill less
3 The timid were unsatisfied
because they too longed to kill
other living things, as safely as
possible, and had no opportunity
to do so.

GODS The priests start smiling

4 The skilled ones were unsat-
sified for the same reason.
5 The imaginative ones were
unsatisfied because they saw that
all the apes in the tribe had
enough things to live quite com-
6 Which meant that there was
no reason to attack other tribes
with sharp sticks or other weapons,
7 Unless reasons could be in-
vented with words and ideas.

Chapter 3
And so it happened that the
imaginative ones began to ask
many questions at the top of
their lungs, saying,
2 "Why does the rain not come
just when we need it?
3 "And why does it seem that
the grass grows greener on the
other side of the valley, where
the next tribe lives?"
4 And hearing these questions,
the others became quite upset,
6 "We don't know, what's the
answer, we're terribly con-
7 Where upon the imaginative
ones smiled at one another and
8 "All is not as it should be
because you have not made of-
ferings to the Gods,
9 "Who give us rain, and game,
and grass, and other things too."
10 And the others became very
afraid, saying,
11 "What are Gods?"
12 "Do they live around here?"
13 "Do they have weapons?"
14 And the imaginative ones
nodded knowingly, because they
had discovered a wonderful dis-
15 Which brought smiles to
their faces, and joy to their

Chapter 4
And so the ape called Man
came to believe in the Gods,
2 Who had given Man every-
thing he had,
3 And who could take it all
away again in an instant, if they
weren't kept happy,
4 Which is why the imagina-
tive ones had to become priests
and seers,
5 In order to explain the will of
the Gods to the less imaginative
6 Who were unable to make it
up for themselves,
7 And the Gods made many
demands, asking for the best
portions of the food, the best
clothes, the best weapons,
8 And other things besides, in-
cluding a virgin every every so often,
9 And especially including
things taken from other tribes,
10 Such as their heads and
other parts of their bodies.
11 And the priests rejoiced at
the bounties offered by the peo-
ple, and cried out in joy, saying,
12 "Aren't the Gods great and
generous? Look at what they
have given us! Never have we
seen so much food and clothing
and weaponry and body parts
all in one place!
12 Truly this is a good thing,
and we are well pleased."

Chapter 5
And so the Gods smiled upon
the tribe for a time, and
gave out plenty of rain,
2 And plenty of good crops, and
a lot of bountiful things from the
good earth,
3 And plenty of things taken
from other tribes, including
heads and other body parts,
4 And the apes were happy to
know that the Gods were on their
side, and they worshipped them
often, saying,
5 "Thank you, great Gods, for
all you have given us,
6 "hosanna, hallelujah, hoor-

The Gods get bored GODS
Chapter 6
But then it happened, after
after seven years of plenty of ev-
erything, that things went wrong,
2 As they often do,
3 And there wasn't any rain,
and the crops were pitiful,
4 And the game got scarce,
5 And one for the neighboring
tribes invaded the valley and
took away most of the virgins, as
well as plenty of heads and other
body parts.
6 Whereupon the apes cried out
angrily to the priests, saying,
7 "Hey, we don't understand
this at all.
8 "What about all the food and
weapons and body parts we've
given to the gods?
9 "Have they forgotten about us
10 "Honestly, we're very dis-
couraged with the whole thing."
11 The priests considered the
words of the tribe very carefully,
12 For about six weeks,
13 But at last the priests trium-
phantly announced that they had
the answer,
15 And the people crowded
around to listen, saying,
16 "This had better be good."
17 So the priests cried aloud, in
a high, shaky voice, saying,
18 "The Gods have become
bored with your offerings,
19 "Which are puny and insig-
nificant, consisting of little more
than food and weapons and body
parts, and every once in a while,
a virgin.
20 "The Gods need more than
small change if they are to go on
giving you rain and crops and so forth."
21 "Well, then, What do they
want?" asked the tribe, and
beads of sweat stood out on their
22 "They want monuments
and temples, made of stone,
with plenty of writing on them,
singing the praises of the Gods,
as well as prayers and idols and
that sort of thing."
23 "What is writing?" Asked
the tribe, "We' have not heard of
this before. Is it hard to get?
Does it involve killing?"
24 But the priests smiled
broadly, and replied, "Writing
is not hard at all. It does not
involve killing, but you'll like it
25 And then the tribe was well
content, saying,
26 "We'll get right to it, then.
But what is a temple?"
27 "And the priests smiled,
saying, "Don't worry. We'll ex-
plain everything as we go."

Chapter 7
And so it happened that the
apes called men went to work
for their Gods, building
many great monuments and tem-
2 And writing many praises and
prayers and other inscriptions in
3 So that the seven times seven
generations of their race wor-
shiped the same Gods and in-
vented all manner of things to
please them,
4 Including many elaborate
ceremonies intended to honor
the Gods in their temples,
5 And many new cities in
which to build temples and other
monuments to the Gods,
6 And wars against other tribes
which did not worship the same
7 And who therefore needed to
have their cities and monuments
and temples destroyed,
8 Completely and utterly,
9 And their fields burned and
sown with salt,
10 And their people enslaved,
12 So that even bigger temples
and monuments could be built,
13 To sing the praises of the
great, generous Gods who had
made the earth and the seas and
the beasts of the field,
14 And Who had made the clev-
erest of the apes into a powerful
nation of priests and warriors
and builders and writers,
15 Which was the greatest gift
of all,
16 And which was called civi-



LIES The apes come to believe in one god

From the time that the first
pictogram was inscribed on
a rock, the ape called man re-
corded words of all descriptions
on rocks and stones of all de-
2 As the inscriptions grew old
and became one with the stone
they defaced, the apes came to
believe that the words were wise.
3 And as generations followed
4 New inscriptions were added
to the old, and the apes believed
these too because they were
written in stone,
5 And if it happened that one
inscriptions said something dif-
ferent from another inscription,
6 The Priests were there to ex-
plain everything.

And so it happened that, in
time, the apes came to be-
lieve that there was only one
2 Who had made everything all
by himself,

Eve messes up LIES

3 In seven days and seven nights,
4 Starting completely from scratch,
5 When everything was null and
6 At the beginning.
7 And this was not all they be-
8 For they also believed that
they were descended directly
from the first two people on
9 Who were also not apes, but
a man named Adam and a rib
named Eve,
10 who started out living in a
paradise called the garden of
11 But got kicked out forever
because Eve committed a great
12 By eating an apple she got
from a serpent,
13 Which turned out to be a bad
14 Because the serpent was re-
ally the devil,
15 And the apple was really the
knowledge of good and evil,
16 Which Eve should have left
17 Because the apple turned out
to be responsible for everything
wrong in the world,
18 Including the Curse,
19 The Mark of Cane,
20 The Whore of Babylon,
21 The Wrath of God
22 The Day of Judgement,
23 And much more besides,
24 Especially sin and guilt,
which everyone is full of from
25 So that there is no good and
no peace of mind, except from the
one God,
26 Who's name is Yahweh,
27 But isn't to be mentioned out
28 By anyone.
29 Nor was this all they believed.

They believed that God had
Chosen them especially as
his own tribe,
2 Like pets,
3 And given them all manner of
special treatment,
4 Including great leaders like
5 Who tried to sacrifice his son
Isaac because God told him
6 Although God spared Isaac,
because he was only kidding
about the sacrifice,
7 So that Isaac had sons of his
8 Who were Jacob and Esau,
9 One of whom had a hairy
10 And something happened
between them,
11 Something too complicated
to remember,
12 Nor was this all they believed.

They believed that after get-
ting Chosen as God's spe-
cial tribe,
2 Their wises leaders worked
out a written contract with God,
3 Called a Covenant,
4 Which spelled everything out
pretty clearly,
5 About who was supposed to do what.
6 For example, if God yelled
"Jump!" at the Chosen tribe,
they were supposed to ask,
"How high?" and then get right
to it,
7 No matter what it was God
8 In return for this sort of be-
havior, God agreed to look after
the Chosen Tribe in his own spe-
cial way,
9 Seeing to it, for example,
that the Chosen Tribe would be
specially singled out for persecu-
tion by every other tribe on earth,
10 Forever.
11 When they saw what a great
Covenant they had made,
12 The Chosen Tribe built a
special ark to keep it in,
13 So that they could read it
whenever they got confused,
14 Which was plenty,
15 What with one thing and another.

LIES Noah dooms dinosaurs

But in spite of the apple and
sin and guilt and the Cove-
2 The Chosen Tribe also be-
lieved that God loved them,
3 Even if he had a funny way
of showing it,
4 Such as threatening to destroy
everyone in the world,
5 Which he did every so often,
6 Like whenever he got mad.
7 And then one time when he
was really mad,
8 He went ahead and did it,
9 And destroyed everybody in a
tremendous flood,
10 Except for Noah and the
passengers he took on his ark,
11 Which wasn't the same ark
they kept the Covenant in ,
12 Because when Noah asked
for help in building his,
13 The leaders told him that
one ark was enough for any
Chosen Tribe,
14 And if Noah couldn't see
15 He must have a screw
16 Or words to that effect.
17 And so Noah built his own
18 And filled it with two of each
kind of animal that wasn't too
big to fit inside,
19 Such as dinosaurs,
20 Which were too big to fit,
21 Apparently,
22 And didn't' get to go,
23 Although the ark went all the
way to Mount Ararat,
24 Thus saving Noah,
25 And making it possible for
God to keep showing his love in
the oddest possible ways.

And so it came to pass that
Noah begat a son,
2 Who begat a son,
3 And so forth,
4 And so on,
5 Until there were a lot of peo-
ple again,
6 Which convinced God that it
was time to destroy some more
7 Such as Sodom and Gomor-
8 which wasn't really God's
9 Because he warned everybody
not to try dating his Angels,
10 Which they went ahead and
tried anyway,
11 Resulting in lots of fire and
brimstone from you know who,
12 Which didn't kill Lot,
13 Because Lot didn't try to
date any angels,
14 Although it did kill Lot's
15 Who didn't try to date any
Angel's either,
16 But she was a woman,
17 And God thought he'd like
her better if she was something
else instead,
18 Maybe something quieter,
19 And so he turned her into a
pillar of salt,
20 Which stopped her from talking,
21 Completely.
22 Nor was this all they believed.

The Tower of Babble LIES

For example, they believed
the one about the Tower of
2 Which somebody or another de-
cided to build on top of Mount
3 And keep going till they got
all they way up to heaven,
4 Because they wanted to meet
God in person,
5 For some reason.
6 Except that God didn't want
7 But instead of just destroying
the tower with a lot of fire and
8 Like he usually did,
9 This time, he made all the
construction workers talk in dif-
ferent languages,
10 Forever,
11 So they couldn't build the
tower any higher,
12 Which solved God's prob-
13 But created a new one for the
Chosen Tribe,
14 Because when the construc-
tion workers quit work on the
15 They scattered to the four
16 And set up a whole bunch of
new tribes who all spoke foreign
17 So that they could come back
and persecute the Chosen Tribe
18 Just like it said in the Cove-
19 Nor was this all they believed.

They believed that an ape
named Jonah was eaten by
a whale,
2 But got thrown up later,
3 In good health.
4 And they believed that an ape
named Job, who had more trou-
bles than you could shake a
pointed stick at, including boils,
still loved God anyway.
5 And then there was Joseph,
who had a coat of many colors,
as well as many strange dreams,
6 Which convinced him to go to
Egypt for some reason,
7 And it didn't work out right,
8 which meant that there had to
be Moses,
9 Who was born in a basket
and floated down the Nile,
10 Till he helped Joseph's de-
scendants escape from Egypt,
11 with a lot of miracles, in-
cluding frogs, locusts, and
parting of the Dead Sea and so
12 Delivering them after forty
years into the land of milk and
13 Which Moses wasn't al-
lowed into,
13 Because he didn't always
ask "How high?" every time
God told him to jump,
14 Or didn't ask politely
16 And so Moses had to stay
behind and die in the wilder-
17 Although right before he
died, he got to give the Chosen
Tribe one more gift from God,
19 Namely, the Ten Com-
20 Which are so important they
always get a whole chapter to

LIES Commandments pretty strongly worded

And God gave Ten Com-
mandments to Moses on
Mount Ararat, and Moses
brought them down to his people
engraved on stone tablets so that
everybody would believe in
2 Only they were already busy
worshiping a golden calf they
had decided to believe in,
3 And besides, the Ten Com-
mandments were pretty strongly
worded, being,
4 Thou shalt have no other
God's but Me,
5 Thou shalt always capitalize
My name on graven images, in-
cluding pronouns,
6 Thou shalt not consume any
bacon, pork or other pig prod-
7 Honor they father and mother,
no matter how little money they
make or how many chores they
ask thee to do,
8 Thou shalt not commit
adultery, even if thou art an
9 Thou shalt not covet, what-
ever that means,
10 Thou shalt not kill, no mat-
ter how much fun it is,
11 Thou shalt be circumcised
as soon as thou art born,
12 Thou shalt not bear a false
witness, especially through adul-
tery, and,
13 Thou shalt not have any fun
to speak of, ever, because God
loves you.
14 And when Moses had ex-
plained everything, the people
put away their golden calf and
believed in the Ten Command-
ments instead.
15 Nor was this all they believed.

They believed that the land
of milk and honey became a
great nation,
2 Ruled by David,
3 Who killed Goliath with a
4 Which was some kind of ex-
ception to the commandment
about killing,
5 And okay,
6 The way the priests ex-
plained it,
7 And David had a fling with
8 Which was not okay, the
way the priests explained it,
9 And so David had a son who
tried to kill him,
10 But David killed his son
11 Which was probably okay,
the way the priests explained it,
12 Because David loved God
and wrote many poems.
13 And eventually there was
king Solomon, who was wise
enough to cut a baby in two,
14 And other things,
15 And all the time God loved
His people and kept on showing
it in the strangest possible ways.

Priests explain about messiah LIES

For example, there was the
time Joshua knocked down
the walls of Jericho,
2 Using only the brass section.
3 And there was Samson,
4 Who had long hair, which was
5 And was very strong, which
was also okay,
6 And loved Delilah, which
was not okay,
7 Because she cut off his hair,
8 And had him blinded,
9 Only Samson won out in the
end, thanks to His love,
10 Knocking down the temple
on His enemies, the Philistines,
11 And himself,
12 Until all of them were flat as
a pancake,
13 Which was apparently okay,
the way the priests explained it,
14 Because God loved Samson,
15 Especially when he was flat
as a pancake.
16 Nor was this all they believed

They believed that God spoke
through prophets,
2 Such as Amos, Isaiah, and Jere--
miah, and so forth,
3 Who warned about God's
4 Just in case anybody forgot
about it for some reason,
5 And they described the terri-
ble things that would happen if
He weren't kept happy,
6 Which were pretty terrible, as
you might expect,
7 But this was okay, the way
the priests explained it,
8 Because there would be a
9 Who would save everyone in
the Chosen Tribe who really
loved God,
10 Someday.

And the Chosen Tribe be-
lieved these things and other
things for many generations,
2 And then God destroyed the
land of milk and honey, com-
pletely and utterly,
3 And scattered His Chosen
Tribe to the four corners of the
4 To live as best they could
without a country,
5 Or anything else,
6 Which must have been okay,
7 Because God truly loved His
Chosen People,
8 Even if he had a darned pecu-
liar way of showing it.


Fortunately by now, there
were other great tribes of
Chosen Apes, who had beliefs of
their own,
2 Of much the same kind,
3 Who went on to do great
things of their own,
4 Which is how history works,
5 Things being what they are.


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