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Where (milk) Ignorance Is Bliss

Where Ignorance Is Bliss

"Dick: May the Good Fairy sprinkle stardust on your bippy.
Dan: Just a minute now. I've been meaning to ask you; what's a bippy?
Dick It's a baby bip.
Dan: Then what's a bip?
Dick: It's a big bippy.
Dan: Are you sure?
Dick: You bet your sweet bippy, I'm sure!"
- Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, 1969

If ignorance is bliss, then we should NOT email our friends or relatives news of the discovery of endocrinologist Clark Grosvenor.

Be compassionate, and keep the truth from those you love who consume ice cream and cheese.

Clark Grosvenor was a man driven by curiosity and had a burning desire to know if hormones could possibly be found in the same glass of cow's milk that school kids drink. Dairy farmers might have suggested that Dr. Grosvenor was a scientist badly in need of a hobby.

So, Grosvenor got funding for his project and he went to the lab. And he researched. And he used all of the skills that we laymen have long since forgotten from high school chemistry to isolate and identify. And when Dr. Grosvenor had finished his astounding task, he had done just that.

Isolated and identified.

Fifty-nine unique hormones in every sip of milk. A motto never to be used by the dairy industry's copywriters and admen, and you can bet your sweet bippy on that one.

The Heinz company would have been proud to own such a motto. The dairy industry would be mortified. This information could never be released to the public. Who would ever drink milk after learning that tidbit of information? With that knowledge, what parent would ever allow a child to drink cow's milk? Despite the odds against him, Grosvenor set off to find a publisher for his mind-boggling research results.

Rumor has it that Time and Newsweek passed and Ladies Home Journal could not justify publishing Grosvenor's research because of its incompatibility with the seventeen milk ads that were due to run concurrently in the following month's edition.

Sport's Illustrated saw no point to it all, but their editors did note that models posing for the swimsuit issue kept showing up with physical endowments more enhanced than previous years. Even the New York Times, with all the news that's fit to print, determined that this news was not fit to print, recognizing that truth must subordinate itself to ad revenue. Ultimately, Grosvenor's work was published in volume 14, number 6 of an obscure publication called the Journal of Endocrine Reviews in 1992, where it sat for many years, undiscovered, until a guy calling himself the NotMilkMan found the paper, and in the venerable style of Archimedes some 22 centuries earlier, uttered his solitary word of effervescing acknowledgment, "Eureka!"

Visualize a wretched looking emaciated cow with flies buzzing round her stinking butt and grotesquely contoured head. Now, imagine the most beautiful Holstein specimen, with anatomically perfect udders laden with milk. Both bovine shares a common trait. Each one carries milk which naturally contains powerful steroid hormones. Now, ladies and gentlemen, glance over at the serene and lovely face of your significant other.

He or she is about to wake from a restless night's sleep and drink that glass of milk from either one of the two creatures for breakfast and become transformed into a psycho-beast from the netherworld and there's not a gosh-darned thing that can be done about it.

Cow's milk contains steroid and protein hormones. The healthiest milk from the cleanest, organically-raised cow unquestionably contains hormones. The ugliest cow, barely able to stand on her own four legs, suffering from the agony of arthritic bones caused by calcium depletion, in constant anguish from overworked and ulcerated udders also carries milk containing these same naturally occurring powerful hormones.

Can you imagine starting your day with an estrogen pill, followed by progesterone, prolactin, melatonin, oxytocin, and 50+ other chemical messengers, including gastrointestinal peptides and hypothalamic hormones? It is no wonder that the Townsend Medical Letter noted the following in May of 1995:

"In reality, cow's milk, especially processed cow's milk, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including: ...mood swings, depression, and irritability."

OK, trust me here, people...Due to circumstanes far beyond our control, we guys have become behavioral experts on this hormonal thing...pre-menstrual, post-menstrual, climacteric, this syndrome and can we cope with this stuff? Our crimes? So we occasionally leave the toilet seat in the wrong position and drop dirty underwear on the bedroom this reason enough to be living with a hormonal psycho-creature from perdition? If your significant other has eaten one or more portions of dairy before bed, let this be your warning. Be nice, be caring, don't, I repeat, don't push the wrong buttons. You know the obvious triggers, but you may not be aware of the explosive force of dairy synergy caused by swallowing hormones. Milk hormones.

For fatal attractions, do not turn the light off on your dairy-using mate until you hear the snoring. It ain't over until the neurotic dairy-user sleeps. Allow your mate to drink milk and you've taken the first step towards attaining your inevitable destiny, that of a pathetically beaten lost soul. It's not too late to spike the Special-K with soymilk. If you do not, prepare to suffer the consequences...

His name was Vinko Bogataj, and he forever became known as the "agony of defeat" week after week, year after year, as ABC'S Wide World of Sports captured the losing end of his now infamous ski jump.

That is you, my friend. You are Vinko, and the mood swings, depression, and irritability described so eloquently by medical professionals writing for the Townsend Medical Letter and suffered so ignominiously by your mate after consuming milk and dairy products will continue to take you on an upside-down inside-out somersault through life.

Learn to tell this joke...I dedicate it to all dairymen...

A man goes to a medical clinic for tests, and the doctor says, "I've got bad news, and more bad news."

"Okay doc, give it to me straight. What's wrong?"

"The bad news've gotten prostate cancer from your habit of drinking cow's milk and eating cheese."

"And the other bad news?"

"The other bad news is, you've caught Mad Cow Disease and gotten an Alzheimer-like brain wasting illness from eating dairy products."

"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise."
- Thomas Gray

Robert Cohen

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