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Delicious Sex for Valentine's Day

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
- Rodney Dangerfield

At the moment, I am eating a delicious Delicious Apple while getting ready to leave (at 3 AM) for my gym. The Delicious apple is the most widely grown species of apple in the world. Scientists have unraveled the genetic code of the Golden Delicious apple and have found that it contains more genes (57,000+) than any other plant. (Although there is some controversy, the human genome is said to contain between 20,000 and 25,000 genes.)

From the moment that Eve offered Adam a bite of the forbidden fruit, the apple has been baked in controversy.

First Eve tempted Adam with the forbidden core truth regarding apples. Many millennia after that, Hippocrates recommended sweet apples as an aid to good health and digestion.

Thousands of years later, an evil witch poisoned Snow White's bright red apple and she fell into a coma. At about the same time, a dad (William Tell) was forced to shoot an apple off of his son's head.

During the thirteenth century, Bishop Albertus Magnus suggested that apple trees have souls. A few hundred years later, Sir Isaac Newton developed the laws of gravity after watching an apple fall to the ground. One hundred years ago, J.T. Stinson's keynote address at the St. Louis Exposition included this line:

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

St. Louis then became home to an unsaintly company, Monsanto, that is now attempting to genetically engineer children's vaccines and medicines into apples.

Of the many emails I get each day, one or two come from meat eaters intent on debating serious issues by using convoluted logic. One line of their thinking often involves the apple.

I have been accused of heinous crimes, including being a broccoli murderer, carrot torturer, and apple killer. I've just about had all that I can chew regarding accusations of apple-acide (not to be confused with apple cider).

So, let us explore the very essence of the apple. The act of eating apples is actually about sexual reproduction. (Theirs, not ours.) Humans have been gifted with an enormous feeling of pleasure while passing their seed to another during the act of reproducing the species.

Such must also logically be the way of apples. One must assume that each one of Mother Nature's living creatures has appropriately been given a similar innate gift of pleasure during that magic moment.

And what constitutes the climatic moment for an apple tree?

Having her fruit eaten by a mammal, that's what. The apple contains seeds for the mother-tree's offspring. The mammal enjoys the fruit of her labor by taking the perfumed fruit containing seeds far from the mother tree. The animal then becomes an important part of the apple's reproductive cycle by depositing the apple's seed with a copious amount of organic nitrogen-containing fertilizer to nurture that seed's growth.

Each summer I reserve a part of my garden for broccoli seeds. The plant produces beautiful florets, which would make for a wonderful dish when sauteed with a bulb or two of my organically-grown garlic. However, I allow those plants to flower and go to seed for two wonderful reasons. First, few flowering plants are as stunning as the yellow sunburst produced by the broccoli plant. Second, those flowers are delicious in salads. To the broccoli plant, her be-all and end-all is to produce seeds. These are her potential children. The act of picking the plant must then be an act of infinite pleasure to the broccoli's inner psyche. Premature seed-shedding still provides some pleasure, even in non-plants, for that is how living creatures have been programmed.

In other words, a broccoli plant lives to be eaten, for in life's final act, she dies and exists for future generations.

Such is the nature of the broccoli, carrot, apple, orange and strawberry. Give pleasure to a pear or a peach or bunches of grapes as often as you can. If you are a vegetarian or vegan,the next time you are accused of being a plant killer, let those who criticize be aware of nature's perfect plan.

Every day, I enjoy one or smoothies consisting of different fruits and greens which makes me I committing mass floracide, or conducting a fructose and cal/mag orgy of unprecedented proportions?

Robert Cohen

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