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Dairy's Compassion-For- Animals Scheme

Dairy's Compassion-For- Animals Scheme

"Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another."
- Homer

"Tricks and treachery are the practice of fools that don't have brains enough to be honest."
- Benjamin Franklin

With all of the exuberance commonly found in high school pep rallies, 68,000 dairy lovers attended this past week's World Dairy Expo in Madison, Wisconsin. Today (Sunday, 10/4/09) is the final day of that event.

Bailing out sinking boats and sticking fingers in leaking dikes, dairy geniuses developed a plan to counter all of the negative publicity generated by Wayne Pacelle's (Humane Society) and Ingrid Newkirk's (PETA) revealing undercover abuse dairy farm videos. So, the milk industry's antidote to truth became a recurring theme at this year's Expo. Dairy's new strategy is to deny that farmers mistreat cows and brainwash the public into believing how well dairymen are actually treating bovine units and how much they truly care about animal welfare.

The National Milk Producers Association (NMPF) and Dairy Management Inc. (DMI) issued this joint press release at a World Dairy Expo news conference:

"Dairy farmers are passionate about the care they provide to their animals. The National Dairy Farm
Program takes that producer passion and quantifies it to tell the story of dairy animal care to our customers and consumers... It includes current best practices, innovations and advances in technology."

One veterinarian and milk farmer (Karen Jordan) added that it's all about 'CARE' (count 'em):

"Dairy producers should...combat the misinformation that is flooding the public about dairy on-farm animal care. We have a great story to tell about animal care on our farms. We need to speak with a unified voice on animal care in the dairy industry so that consumer shave confidence that our animals are well cared for..."

So, since they pretend to 'care' while cutting off tails with a carving knife (tail docking) or chopping off calve's horns without anesthesia, or castrating bulls without pain killers or separating the young a few hours after birth from their angry mothers, or sending young males and old broken-down or diseased moms to the slaughterhouse, we at NOTMILK have come up with a truly compassionate caring program.

Since Elsie and her sisters have grown to grotesque proportions, why not offer them survivable liposuction? People do it. Why not cows? Save the fat and add it with soy granules to make a tasty animal-abuse- free burger? Or, we can utilize that fat to power our environmentally friendly $75,000 autos which run on rendered fat.

While we're there, how about udder reduction? No offense, ladies, but those grotesque mammaries are dragging on the ground picking up feces and mud which drips into the milk. Udder reduction for 9-million cows can result in 100 million or more pounds of tasty meat for American consumers, and no bovine would have to die to feed humans. Want to keep milking the sick, diseased, and downer cows? Surgically remove their legs and we'll roll them around on converted supermarket shopping carts. That would provide (9 million cows times 4 legs times sixty pounds per limb) over two billion pounds of osso bucco and scallopini.

This one should thrill Jewish Deli owners. Remove cow's tongues to provide 500-million tasty tongue sandwiches. A secondary benefit of universal bovine tonguectomies would be to forever end that offensive mooing sound often heard by kids in the backseats of passenger cars speeding by dairy farms on the way to nowhere...

Since they could no longer talk why would they need to hear? Might as well remove their ears too. Afficionados of authentic Chinese cooking know that "pig ears" are a delicious (but crunchy) delicacy. Why not cow ear?

Then, sponsor an adopt-a-cow program, as cows on wheels make for efficient and environmentally friendly lawn mowers. It's a caring (the operative word here) alternative to slaughter.

Robert Cohen
http://www.notmilk. com

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