Philosophy - Index
Testing - Index
Mousetrap of Human Research
Deep in the
heart of the Rodentville Research Institute, a five foot tall grey mouse
in a white laboratory coat was explaining research procedures to an
attractive rabbit. This individual was Bunnicula Twitchnose who had
recently joined the laboratory's staff after obtaining her Ph.D. at the
prestigious Tittlemouse University of Rodentville.
Mousekopf," cooed Bunnicula, as her instructor carefully extracted a live
testing model from its cage. The ten centimetre by five centimetre figure
was the latest in the Institute's technology, an advanced and
revolutionary organism: the human being. ("The beauty of this model is
that it is available in two sexes," Mousekopf had told his staff when the
humans were originally introduced. "No more experimenting on flowers that
can't decide whether they are male or female!") "For what are we testing?"
Dr. Bunnicula Twitchnose demanded excitedly rubbing her paws together.
of Thalidomide for terminally ill rodent patients," explained Mousekopf,
matter of fact. "Ooh Professor!" exclaimed his rabbit colleague, "doesn't
it cause grotesque birth defects in humans?" "Of course, my dear,"
Mousekopf confirmed, "but it's development is absolutely necessary for the
progression of the rodent species. It is definitely possible that many
human infants shall be born limbless or maybe even blind if all goes
according to plan. Three blind humans, three blind ..." he hummed the
popular nursery rhyme absently. "Da da da da da da da da, three blind
humans ..." He mercilessly stabbed a syringe loaded with a concentrated
dose of the newly discovered wonder drug into a tender area of the
gestating human's body.
"Ouch!" protested the tiny
creature tenderly rubbing her bruised behind as a sniggering Mousekopf
locked her into a tiny wire cage to await the results of the experiment.
this point in time, Senior Research Assistant, Rabbitina Carotene entered
the laboratory, the tap of her high heels irritating Mousekopf as she
hopped across the linoleum. She paused before a cluttered workbench to
inspect a vital experiment that was in progress. A male of the human
species had been saturated with a sticky substance and placed under an
ultraviolet lamp a few hours earlier. "Aha!" announced Rabbitina
gleefully. "This experiment has been extremely successful!"
"Oh?" enquired Mousekopf with not totally unselfish interest. He always
became excited when a new discovery was made in his laboratory, thinking
he could claim it as his own. This is how he planned to win the coveted
Mousington Memorial Prize for excellence in research. The experiment
presently taking place with the sun lamp appeared promising.
"Tell me, Dr. Carotene," Mousekopf prompted, "what progress have you
"Well," began the rabbit,
daintily patting her ears which were neatly arranged in a bun on top of
her head and secured with a colourful ribbon. "We can now prove
conclusively that the Rodentious Protection SPF 650+ brand of furscreens
is totally ineffective against the sun's rays. Why, this human subject was
literally fried alive!"
Mousekopf lost interest
when it was revealed that this experiment was not revolutionary. Curious
new recruit, Bunnicula was unable to resist the temptation to poke and
prod the charred remains of Rabbitina's experiment.
While this minor commotion
was taking place, Cheesington McMousetrap, a Scottish patriot and a long
time cleaner at the Institute, unobtrusively entered the laboratory with a
"Och, tut, tut, tut," he
scolded the scientists in a disgusted whisper, when he noticed the remnant
of Dr. Carotene's experiment. "'ave yas barbarians no mercy?"
Preoccupied Professor Mousekopf and flustered Dr. Carotene didn't even
acknowledge the eccentric mouse's presence with a nod. The Institute's
staff were accustomed to Cheesy's meaningless chatter and had unanimously
decided to humour him about the peculiar ideas that he often shared with
"Whatever are you on about,
Mousetrap?" snapped Rabbitina short temperedly. She was disappointed that
her superior, Professor Mousekopf had not hailed her experiment as
extraordinary and was taking her frustration out on poor Cheesy.
"Leave him alone, Rabbitina," Bunnicula defended the mouse for whom she
had a soft spot. Ever since she had begun to work at the Research Centre
almost a month ago, she had felt indignant on Mr. McMousetrap's behalf at
the manner in which his coworkers and the Institute's scientists behaved
towards him. They merely regarded him as a simpleton and treated him as
such. "Let the Mousetrap have his say," she demanded of her colleagues.
She turned towards the cleaner. "Go ahead, Cheesy; what should we all be
ashamed of, dear?"
drawled the Highlander, "it's what yas do to them poor lil' 'umans 'at
"Are you referring to the
medical breakthroughs that take place in this laboratory, McMousetrap?"
snapped the professor, suddenly intrigued.
"Och, indeed I am, sir,"
replied the Scot politely, sweeping his plumed highlander cap off his head
and bowing in the professor's direction.
"My dear fellow," Mousekopf
enquired, "what has brought about this sudden change of heart? You have
been employed at the Institute ever since your arrival from the old
country. Our methods of research have never troubled you in the past."
McMousetrap drew himself up to his full height and cleared his throat
importantly. "I 'ave recently joined the 'uman Lib'ration Org'nisation!"
declared Cheesington proudly.
"The Human Liberation
Organisation?" echoed Bunnicula Twitchnose in a whisper of shocked
disbelief. "That group of radical rodents and rabbits whose aim is to free
all laboratory humans?" "The very same," confirmed the activist.
Rabbitina Carotene moved instinctively to protect the cage where her
experimental humans were housed. Although Dr. Twitchnose's newly trained
scientific mind tried to fight it, the attractive rabbit was overcome by
an overwhelming curiosity about the Human Rights movement. She was unable
to contain herself and asked Cheesy, "Are you a vegetarian, dear?"
"D'finitely, me lass," McMousetrap assured her. "I 'ave'nt tasted 'uman
flesh for many months now."
Dr. Twitchnose was
convinced that her sweetheart was not a lost cause. Her maternal instincts
surfaced. "What about protein, honeypie?" she asked, suddenly concerned
about the mouse's nutritional intake. "Your muscles will simply waste
"Do not fret, lass," Cheesy
advised. "There's no ch'nce of that ph'nomenon 'ccurring. The nutrients in
plant foods're of exc'llent quality."
Professor Mousekopf was
silently evaluating the safety of his precious laboratory with a traitor
on the premises. "If you have such strong convictions about your cause,
Cheesinton, my lad," Mousekopf began, doing his utmost to maintain an
amiable tone, "perhaps it would be in our - I mean your - best interests
to resign from your position."
"I'm sure we'd all be
terribly saddened by your departure," a tight lipped Rabbitina commented
dryly, envisioning the blessed event.
"Oh Cheesy!" wailed
Bunnicula, overcome with emotion. She took one of her ears and used it to
dab delicately at her streaming eyes.
Suddenly, some powerful force surfaced in Senior
Cleaner Cheesington McMousetrap. A determined gleam lit up his eyes as he
opened his mouth to deliver one final, shattering speech to the staff of
the Rodentville Research Institute. "One day," he prophesied, "be it
t'morrow or a million years from now, the tables'll be turned. 'uman
beings' intelligence'll pr'gress at an unprecedented rate. They shall
undoubt'dly 'scape from our clutches and settle in large colonies. When
ev'lution 'as its way, and 'uman beings are as tall as the trees, they
will consume our brothers and become strong while we grow weak. They will
aim to develop futuristic technology and engage our species in cruel and
tort'rous experiments to 'dvance their own species. The suffering that
they endured at our 'ands'll linger in the depths of their subconscious
and return to 'aunt the animal kingdom."
When Cheesington's speech
had reached its conclusion, Bunnicula giggled nervously at his ridiculous
ideas. Rabbitina chuckled wholeheartedly as she prepared to vivisect a
tiny human being, unheeding McMousetrap's warning. Professor Mousekopf's
reaction startled young Cheesy most of all. His cruel weasel like face was
contorted in a merciless snigger. He simply tossed back his head, and as
his staff looked on, he laughed and laughed and laughed...