Thoughts and Advice on Independence Day
Tidy up your house before you leave in case it is searched while you are out. You don't want the cops knowing you are a slovenly housekeeper. The police no longer need a warrant to barge into your home. They don't have to knock or otherwise announce themselves.
Don't leave the house without checking the color-coded Homeland Security alert status. Be especially prudent if it is orange or red. There could be terrorists lurking about. (Don't worry about yellow - it's always yellow.)
Don't set off any fireworks. They are explosive devices and constitute WMD. And although the government can't locate any in Iraq, you can rest assured they will swiftly find them in your car trunk.
Don't cite the Constitution in any district court; you could be held in contempt.
Do not object that your belongings have been strewn all over the highway after that same vehicular search. You will be charged with obstructing justice and labeled a terrorist sympathizer - if not an outright terrorist.
If you are an animal rights activist, don't sweat it. You have already been branded the number one domesric terror threat. If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't, you aren't doing enough for the animals.
Don't count on Congressional or Supreme Court protection. They are also afraid to resist and most likely are "in on" the conversion of the U.S. from a democracy to a totalitarian dictatorship.
If celebrating at the mall, you are probably safest - as it is now monitored by hundreds of surveillance cameras watched by federal security forces. There is no substance whatsoever to your irrational belief that a pickpocket can not simultaneously be an Al Qaeda terrorist or that several hijacked planes are not en route to bring down Mervyns and Robinsons-May.
Do not leave home without your driver's license, W2 form, Social Security and welfare cards, birth certificate, Medi-Cal and Medicare records, and two other forms of ID. Better yet, get micro-chipped and avoid the hassle of having to carry papers. Oh, and bring your library card, too. The FBI may ask for it.
Do not put any "anti-government" bumper stickers on your car. Police have been thoroughly trained by the FBI in "bumper sticker profiling." The particular one that reads "one nation under surveillance" is in extremely poor taste. And anti-war messages denigrating the illegal occupation of a sovereign nation are downright iconoclastic.
Be careful not to engage in unauthorized thought. There are serious consequences for "thoughtcrime." The recent arrests in Miami have established "aspirational" rather than "operational" crime as the salient prosecutorial criterion. Don't even think about what you'd like to do to Bush.
Be aware that "civil forfeiture" laws make it possible to confiscate anything you own by alleging that it was "intended" to be used in the commission of a crime. Transfer all property to the name of another individual. However, be forewarned that such may not help. If you are a criminal, the likelihood is great that so is that other person. Everyone knows birds of a feather flock together.
Cozy up with (i.e., conribute heavily to the political campaigns of) the appropriate politicians and bureaucrats, so that you can head off the taking of your property to be awarded to private developers for the "public good."
If traveling by air this Independence Day, do not give the airport screeners a hard time. If they are unduly enjoying feeling up your wife and daughter, why do you begrudge them? It's for the security of America. If you complain, you could be arrested as an Al Qaeda supporter - or member.
Do not leave home without one or more of those little plastic American flags made by political slaves in Communist China. Be sure to have them securely fastened to and visibly waving from your car antenna.
Do not carry copies of the Declaration of Independence and Constitution on your person, as they advocate the overthrow of tyrannical government and promote civil liberties. Both are terrorist documents crafted by anarchist insurgents.
Side note: The Constitution also delimits executive authority. This unduly and unfairly restricts presidential latitude in interpreting and invoking the "elastic clause."
If arrested, do not claim that you have the right to counsel, to hear the charges levied against you, to confront your accusers in a court of law, or to have a jury trial. Any arrestee is now automatically considered an "enemy combatant" or "terrorist." You can be sent to Gitmo - or, under the doctrine of "extraordinary rendition," to a foreign country - to be tortured. (You can wipe your ass with the Geneva Conventions.)
Do not let on that you suspect true freedom met its unceremonious demise a long time ago in America. Stick your head back in the sand and pretend the United States is not becoming a Fascist police state.
in hundreds of "administrative agencies." If you are charged with violating one of them, you will
be tried by the agency that drafted it. If you appeal, it will be heard by the agency that "convicted" you.
You may never see this message, as it may not get past the Department of Homeland Security Internet filter.
Do not challenge the Patriot Act. True, it is unconstitutional, but that document is now only marginally in force. "Rights" currently enjoy the status only of "privileges" - which the government can uphold or revoke at will. The Patriot Act was supposed to be temporary, but is now obviously permanent. Please don't protest. All of this is for your own protection. Besides, political dissidence is un-American and - frankly - unbecoming.
Remember that the government no longer needs a warrant to tap your phone or read your e-mails. Not that you would ever be so reckless as to criticize the government via AT&T or Outlook Express.
Do you hear that whirring sound? It's our forefathers, spinning in their graves.
HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISORY
Never forget to add a disclaimer to a publication such as this stating that it is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to incite crime - aspirational operational, or otherwise.
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!