Dear Beaky:

My Human has been ignoring me lately. He seems preoccupied and doesn't seem to have time for me anymore. As far as affection goes, he's just phoning it in. I think he is paying more attention to a female human who has been hanging around. What can I do to reclaim what is mine?

Sleepless in Seward

Dear Sleepless:

Humans respect a pecking order, especially one that is enforced with unrestrained glee. The next time Miss Bumpy Chest distracts your Human, invite her over to the cage by looking cute and making kissy noises, then bite her nose! BITE HER REAL HARD! Saw your beak back and forth until you can feel the soft crunching of cartilage. She will react in a surprised manner, but your point will be made. If that doesn't work, try napalm.

Dear Beaky:

Last week I met a beautiful hen. She is the bird of my dreams and wants to set up a home in our new nestbox. I love her so much, but I'm not sure how to tell her about my problem. Recently, our nest mother was quarantined with a bad case of vent warts, probably caught while she was hanging around the local bars. My father ... well, I'm not really sure who that might be. My older brother works as a lab bird for Texxon Oil. My sister is a trollop who will perch-party with whatever male attracts her attention, regardless of species. My cousin steals food from the cages of other birds. My younger brother loves to escape from his cage and chew the woodwork, especially the antique chairs. I'm so embarrassed! How am I going to tell my future mate about my brother at Texxon Oil?

Frantic in Fairbanks

Dear Frantic:

Ohhhhhh, my goodness. That's a tough one. You had better just forget the whole thing. Looks like the celibate life for you!

Dear Beaky:

I'm a buff, powerful, musky, male human and I believe that being tough is the only way to make it in life. I also believe that my birds need to be tough, too. I frequently hose them down with cold water and turn on a fan to make them more resistant to adverse environmental conditions. Sometimes, I cover and ignore them for many days in a row so they will learn how to handle situations where loneliness and hunger might be encountered. Unfortunately, my whiny, bunny-hugging, girlfriend thinks I'm being cruel. What do you think?

Ironman in Fairbanks

Dear Ironhead:

It has been my experience that birds learn best by watching other members of their flock, especially The Leader. I suggest you teach your avian companions to be tough by doing all of the following:

1) Suck on the lit end of a highway flare
2) Drink coffee from a mug made from your own skull
3) Perform a surprise prostate exam on a horny bull moose
4) Walk into a Hell's Angels bar and shout "ALL YOU WUSSY BIKERS EAT DOG DOO!"

Dear Beaky:

We are four Indian Ringneck parakeets who live in Anchorage, Alaska. A friend told us that last year, you printed a beautiful Ringneck Spell which can be used to gain control over the mind of our Monkey People. Could you re-print it?

Bobaloo, Sunny, Kiwi, and Jane Doe

Dear Four:

Absolutely! I'm always glad to help my fellow avians!

THE RINGNECK MIND-CLAMP SPELL
(Tenth Level Avian-Mason Variation)

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble;
Water dish contents seethe and stew.
Eye of seed moth, Pretty Bird double,
And a lump of greenish poo.

We wait until you're safely elsewhere
Then zoom to water, like a comet
To make a thickened soupy mixture
Which would make a cesspool vomit.

Our Ringneck beaks go swirl and swish;
We get our jollies dunking yummies;
Our canvas is the water dish;
Our goal: to make you purge your tummy.

Monkey Girls and Monkey Boys,
Your minds are ours; your will is fading
Bring us snacks and treats and toys;
And speed it up; we're tired of waiting!