My Human has been ignoring me lately. He seems preoccupied and doesn't seem
to have time for me anymore. As far as affection goes, he's just phoning it in.
I think he is paying more attention to a female human who has been hanging
around. What can I do to reclaim what is mine?
Sleepless in Seward
Humans respect a pecking order, especially one that is enforced with
unrestrained glee. The next time Miss Bumpy Chest distracts your Human, invite
her over to the cage by looking cute and making kissy noises, then bite her
nose! BITE HER REAL HARD! Saw your beak back and forth until you can feel the
soft crunching of cartilage. She will react in a surprised manner, but your
point will be made. If that doesn't work, try napalm.
Last week I met a beautiful hen. She is the bird of my dreams and wants to
set up a home in our new nestbox. I love her so much, but I'm not sure how to
tell her about my problem. Recently, our nest mother was quarantined with a bad
case of vent warts, probably caught while she was hanging around the local bars.
My father ... well, I'm not really sure who that might be. My older brother
works as a lab bird for Texxon Oil. My sister is a trollop who will perch-party
with whatever male attracts her attention, regardless of species. My cousin
steals food from the cages of other birds. My younger brother loves to escape
from his cage and chew the woodwork, especially the antique chairs. I'm so
embarrassed! How am I going to tell my future mate about my brother at Texxon
Frantic in Fairbanks
Ohhhhhh, my goodness. That's a tough one. You had better just forget the
whole thing. Looks like the celibate life for you!
I'm a buff, powerful, musky, male human and I believe that being tough is the
only way to make it in life. I also believe that my birds need to be tough, too.
I frequently hose them down with cold water and turn on a fan to make them more
resistant to adverse environmental conditions. Sometimes, I cover and ignore
them for many days in a row so they will learn how to handle situations where
loneliness and hunger might be encountered. Unfortunately, my whiny,
bunny-hugging, girlfriend thinks I'm being cruel. What do you think?
Ironman in Fairbanks
It has been my experience that birds learn best by watching other members of
their flock, especially The Leader. I suggest you teach your avian companions to
be tough by doing all of the following:
1) Suck on the lit end of a highway flare
2) Drink coffee from a mug made
from your own skull
3) Perform a surprise prostate exam on a horny bull
4) Walk into a Hell's Angels bar and shout "ALL YOU WUSSY BIKERS EAT
We are four Indian Ringneck parakeets who live in Anchorage, Alaska. A friend
told us that last year, you printed a beautiful Ringneck Spell which can be used
to gain control over the mind of our Monkey People. Could you re-print it?
Bobaloo, Sunny, Kiwi, and Jane Doe
Absolutely! I'm always glad to help my fellow avians!
THE RINGNECK MIND-CLAMP SPELL
(Tenth Level Avian-Mason Variation)
Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble;
Water dish contents seethe and
Eye of seed moth, Pretty Bird double,
And a lump of greenish
We wait until you're safely elsewhere
Then zoom to water, like a
To make a thickened soupy mixture
Which would make a cesspool
Our Ringneck beaks go swirl and swish;
We get our jollies dunking
Our canvas is the water dish;
Our goal: to make you purge your
Monkey Girls and Monkey Boys,
Your minds are ours; your will is
Bring us snacks and treats and toys;
And speed it up; we're tired