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Mostly Dog Jokes

My boyfriend came home with a fifteen dollar bag of designer dog biscuits.
He said, "You think he's gonna like them?" I said, "I don't know, he's
out in the backyard eating doody, lemme go ask him".
Elayne Boosler

You have to spay and neuter your dogs.
Of course, some people also crop their ears and tails.
What's the dog thinking? "You know, if you wanted a smaller dog,
you could have started out with a smaller dog".
Elayne Boosler

Living alone is great. You can clean up in your own way.
Like if company's coming, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.
Elayne Boosler

I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.
My mother said it's because the water is a lot colder in there.
 I'm like, How does my mother know that? - Wendy Liebman

My dog was my soul mate. We both took naps,
we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum.
Elayne Boosler

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you. This is the principal difference
between a dog and man. - Mark Twain

I was playing Colorado. There was a woman in the front row in a big fur coat.
I said, "Oh, fur. Did anybody throw paint on you yet?"
She said, "It's fake". I said, "Great!.
Did anybody throw acrylic paint on you yet?" - Elayne Boosler

How come dogs hate it if you blow in their faces?
But when they get in the car, they stick their heads out the window.

I still love touring. It's so hip. You can always find me in my hotel room at 2 o'clock in the morning eating a pint of Haagen-Dazs, with a shoehorn. If it's a good hotel. - Elayne Boosler

Scientists don't know what they're doing.
You know that sheep they cloned? They spayed her. - Elayne Boosler

Men can say things in stores women can't believe like,
"but I already have a pair of black pants".
In fact men don't even get this joke. - Elayne Boosler

Why Dogs Are Better Than Girlfriends
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
From the Internet - Author Unknown

Why Dogs Are Better Than Boyfriends
They only drink water.
They keep your feet warm without screaming first.
They love it when you go off your diet.
They can hear. - Elayne Boosler

My dad just turned 80 so I bought him an answering machine.
My parents don't go anywhere. It just gives them time to get to the phone.
Outgoing message: "WAAAIIIIITTTT !!!!" - Elayne Boosler

Veterinarians are sooo expensive.
I said to my vet "What's the life expectancy of a boxer?"
He said "Fifty thousand dollars". Elayne Boosler

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